Wow, I really feel for you. This situation makes it much harder. No one has a right to use name calling in an arguement.  I completely agree he is totally responsible for minding his manners - he need to treat you like a lady, anything else is an insult to ladies everywhere. Also you can do things that help prevent a talk from turning into a blow up. My husband and I have been together for 10 years (I'm 29) and I have some good tip that help keep arguing civil.

Recognize guys and gals relate differently when talking about the relationship. Women typically want to "talk things out" to strengthen the relationship and feel affirmed. Men almost never do this, "talking things out" is a sign of conflict and makes them feel less secure. So any time you need to "talk" make sure to:

1. Pick a neutral time to talk, ie. not in the heat of the moment, not when you are too hungry/ tired/ sick/ or cranky. I.e. don't talk about sex right after sex. Don't talk about bills at 11 pm when you still haven't had dinner yet. Don't talk about the in-laws on the way to see them when you are running late. Set a weekly date to talk about bills ie. Tuesday AM over breakfast. If you need to say something about the sex life, make sure you are both full clothed and not hot & heavy. You may both have a pattern of picking the worst time to talk about something because you have avoided earlier chances to talk when it could be handled civily. Ironically this usally happens because you don't want to start a fight when things are good - this avoidance actually leads to the blow ups later, because people don't feel heard and the feelings just build up.

2. Start then conversation with: "You didn't do anything wrong, I just want to share how I'm feeling, you can "win" with me by just listening. I don't need you to need to solve anything, I just want you to listen."

3. Watch your tone, make it a habbit to speak in a even tone even when you are upset, just like you are asking someone to "pass the salt" at the table. Try to not be aggressive and not defensive either. This is another cycle people easily fall into - taking turns being hostile and defensive. Basically taking turns being jerks to each other - it sounds silly when you say it this way, but a lot of couples do this and don't even know it. Basically he says something mean, then you punish him by emotionally pulling away, he does something to make it up to you, because you are sitll mad you do something mean in retribution, causing him to pull away, et. al. You don't have to play this game. Don't accept apologies when you aren't ready, and don't indulge your mean streak by being nasty back. It might take a way for this weed to wither, but you will be so much happier when this one is gone.

4. Give yourself and the other person permission to have a timeout. If you need a few minutes to cool off, ask for it. If they are getting to heated, same thing. Call a timeout, this one is a bit harder - you may actually need to excuse yourself from the situation, say: I'm feeling overwhelmed I need a break, I love you and want to keep talking, but I need 10 minutes. Take a drive if you have to. Be prepared for him to dig in even worse before it gets better. My hubby would say "Don't walk away from me, if you go I won't be here when you get back". This is a small dog barking. What he meant to say is "I'm really angry, The frustration has overwhelmed me so that I want you to be as scared as I am." This is EXACTLY the time you need a break! Calmly repeat yourself, no slamming doors, not rolling your eyes. Tell him you are taking a drive around the block and will be back in 10 minutes, he can choose to take a drive himself if that works better - but SOMEONE needs a timeout.

The other thing to remember is that people only keep doing a behavior because it is rewarding them somehow, if he knows he is able to get a response from you with name calling, he will keep doing it. You have a fundamental right to be respected, but you need to beleive it to defend it. Next time you guys are talking, tell him that you have a new policy - no name calling. He can disagree with what you say, and you want to hear his point of view, but the moment he calls you names you will stop the conversation. Then you have to follow through - every time. It may take a lot of starts and stops but if name calling ALWAYS stops things dead in the tracks he will eventually get trained out of it.

I know this one because my husband used to have a very bad temper, arguments went from "0 to 60" all the time. His childhood was rough, but that's not an excuse for me to have to accept bad behavior. I have a no yelling policy, when voices get raised the conversation is over. It took a couple of months initially of repeating myself. "I can't listen when you speak that way" (walk away). But now he only loses his temper maybe 1-2 a year vs 1-2 a week. The flip side of this is that he must have an good avenue to talk to you, otherwise he will just pull away. Make sure he knows you want to address his needs in the relationship, but you only accept the good way to get your attention. Make sure he knows what that is. Give him a couple good times/ ways to approach you. If he is feeling insecure and comes up to hug you while you are focused on something else, don't give him the brush off. Take a minute to accept the hug, strange as it sounds this can actually difuse a lot of fights later in the week because guys are very sensitive to rejection, make sure if you can't give him your attention he knows why. "Thank you for the hug, I'm sorry my hands are wet right now so I can't turn around, but I think it's sweet you came over here, I love you too." If you don't say something he can easily mis intrpret the inaction on your part as rejection.

Okay, so now the meat of the story - we have to understand why he is behaving badly. Almost every type of defective behavior is rooted in fear. I think this case he clearly fears you changing. The fear is probably something like "If she loses weight, more guys will like her, I can't compete with other guys, I will lose here". It is probably NOT something consious, his subconsious mind is basically giving him the "gut" feeling that things are fine the way they are - no need to rock the boat, and if things are changing he has everything to lose and nothing to gain. This is actually a pretty big fear for lots of guys.

So to "fix" it you need to reassure him that you will love him no matter what you look like. Depending on the person he might need lots of reassurance. It's kind of messed up but you are going to have to be the mature one and hold his hand a bit on this issue. Make sure he knows you still have chemistry for him, and put effort into looking good just for him, i.e. do you dress up for work or nights out with the girlfriends but when you get home put on sweat pants? Try stepping up the look at home just a notch or two. It doesn't take any more energy to comb your hair and put on jeans that make your butt look good. Throw on some perfume and lip gloss and your date ready in less than 5 mins. The point is to make sure he knows you want to look good for him - without specifically telling him. Most guys won't even be able to put their finger on it, they will just notice you "look good" today.

The other part is to make sure he knows you beleive in him, if he beleives you are in his corner no matter what then he will feel more confident in the relationship. Try to think of a thing he is doing well every day and explicitly say so. "Hey sugar, I just wanted to say I'm proud of you. I know work has been hard lately but I wanted you to know I'm proud that your sticking with it so well. Your a good guy."

My guy and I have a really good relationship, but it takes some serious strength to be mature when you feel like being mean in reponse. You might be thinking, I'm not mean - I'm the victim! Take a deep look and see if you have ever turned hurt into a punishment. I hate to admit it, but early on in our relationship I had a lot of bad habbits too. I learned that if I cried he got real sorry real fast - so what did that train me to do? Cry to win the fight... the only problem is this didn't address any of the issues, the next time the fight got worse because he felt he was getting painted as the bad guy. So now, instead of trading blows, I nip the conversation in the bud. "Hey baby, I know the bills are really a big weight on your mind, but talking about them right before bed puts me on edge and makes it hard for me to sleep. Can we talk about this in the morning? We can get up a few minutes early and have breakfast together, what do you want to eat?" This changes the whole tone of the evening by giving them an acceptable reason to delay.

Make sure he knows the reasons you want to lose weight for yourself. This one can be hard because the real reasons may bring out a lot of shameful feelings that you normally try to hide. Guys don't know what it is like to be an overweight girl - tell him specific cases of mean things people have said and done. "You don't know this, but last week one of the neighborhood kids called me Holly-hefty loud enough for everyone to hear. That made me feel so ashamed I cried myself to sleep. Six months ago your Mother called me up to tell me she hopes we don't have children together because she says I'm too fat to be a good mother." Show him why you want to make a change, that it isn't about anything else other than you being treated with respect.

Sorry to go on and on... it just seems like you were really reaching out with a tender topic. I hope some of this helps. Remember no relationship can survive contempt - so no eye rolling from either of you. God Bless!

Hi. Sorry to say I have been there too, I should say I am there too.  I have shared  stories in the past with my friends here and they have been so encouraging.

My friend here, where I live can be the biggest jerk in the world. He is partly responsible for why I am here because, I was thin and he was constantly, ( everyday, 100 times a day or more trying to get me to eat. and like an idiot I did.)

And then as soon as he notice the weight creeping on he started the rude remarks and the worthless and unwanted advice.  He has never had a weight problem in his life and he assumes, if you are over weight, you are lazy and eat too much.

Thats not the case for me.  And i have proven it to him.  with dr.s  help. But He still thinks if I just get outside and kill my self doing yard work, all is well. I can do yard work 24/7 and every other thing he comes up with and never lose a pound. my body just does not work that way.

Stay on here. It is a great support system. WE CARE FOR EACH OTHER !!!

 GOD BLESS YOU !!

Hey Rebekah -

Here is a quote that has helped me in these situations.  I hope it helps you.  My prayers go out to you and your husband.  Blessings on your jouney...keep up the good work.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." 
  --  Eleanor Roosevelt

Blessings, Bridget

I can identify with your problem.  My husband tends to behave in a similar manner at times...which is one of the main reasons I will NOT tell him my weight.  He has enough ammunition just by looking at me without having concrete numbers to quote!  Hope your husband jumps on your bandwagon once he sees how much happier you are with your new body and lifestyle.  My husband is coming around.  But, even if they don't join our cheerleading squad...we have a full team of cheerleaders on this wonderful site.  God Bless -- Hilary

Hi everybody,

I just got a chance to log back on and check the replies. I can't tell you all how much it means to me to know I am not the only person who has been in this situation and that others have successfully pulled through it. Thank you all for such amazing words. I seriously had tears by the time I was at the bottom!

I have decided that this makes the most sense for me at this time in my life. The shakes taste great and I can take them anywhere with me and not worry about what I'm going to eat. Plus, I actually like all of the recipes I've made so far. The "hidden veggie meatballs" were seriously good! Even my husband likes all of the food I've made. But, even if he didn't, that would be his problem. This plan works for me because it is easy to follow and it works. I used it once before when I was in college and lost 11 lbs in a month. That's great for any diet! I definitely appreciate having so many friends here that I can turn to to talk about my weight struggles. I am also VERY stubborn (the name calling was not okay, but I wasn't exactly nice either and we have both apologized) so it doesn't matter to me whether or not he supports me. I will not tolerate undermining, though. Undermining can be either telling me what I'm doing wrong or trying to get me off track - like trips to McDonalds or sherbert. I am so done with being fat!!! I've been this way for almost 20 years and I'm only 27.

Again, thank you to everyone for sharing with me how you have dealt with such struggles. I'm sure it will not be our last. Hopefully, though, we can learn from this time and make better choices in the future. I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

Rebekah

I'm sad for you.  =(  Of course you are scared.  Haven't we all been when we have tried other diets and "failed"?  I had someone tell me that if you don't succeed with a diet, it's not you, it's that the diet wasn't what you needed and something needs to be tweaked. BUT DON'T GIVE UP because there is a solution for everyone. All people are different, all diets are different and you need to choose what is right and working for you.  Looks like it is working for you though!  When you struggle, come to us, we can help you figure it out and you will continue to lose and be healther and lighter and...We are rooting for you.

It's really difficult to be with someone that doesn't understand.  For years, every time I tried a diet, my husband would come up with something "better" I should try.  I seriously didn't get it.  I often think he was sabotaging my efforts and as much as he wanted me to be healthy and thin, etc, there must have been something that sort of likes me being overweight.  He offered me sherbert last night...what?  Seriously?  Your question was whether or not we have clashed with our partner...yup.  Sure have.  How did we resolve it?  Not sure we really have, but we've been together so long I think he has learned that his "help" has NEVER "helped" me and always made it worse or unsafe to tell him anything about my weight struggles.  He isn't overweight and just would not be my best support.  He is super supportive for any excercize that I try though...cuz he's good at it and is really encouraging.  So, I have made it clear...the diet...leave me alone...the excercize, please help.  The other day he said, "Do you think you will really succeed this time?"  He's trying to be sweet so I took it with his intention, but I would have rather thrown a pie in his face.  =)  We've had lots of fights about weight and after all these years it's sort of one of those taboo topics.  I learned I'm not safe to be completely honest with him and he has learned he'd better not be completely honest with me. wink.

Know his limitations.  This may not be something he is good at.  Let him support you with the things he is good at.  I agree calling you fat is unacceptable.  My husband has said it too in the past and he learned pretty quickly that those comments are very difficult to forget. 

Again, let us uplift you.  You will do this.  Even if you decide not to do SF for some reason, use this board for encouragement.  We all need each other.

Is your husband a doctor?  Or a psychic? Or maybe rules the heavens????  What makes him think he knows what will work for you or not? And there is no way you should tolerate any form of name calling!! That is so disrespectful and immature... Does he want you to succeed?  Doesn't sound like it....1) he doesn't support your efforts to lose weight  2)He isn't concerned for your fears   3) he calls you nasty things....

My heart goes out to you...stay strong and do this for yourself...if he is insecure because you want to be healthier, then he has a serious problem...know that the members on this site are all here for you...and we do support your efforts, we understand your fears and we will not ever call you derogatory names.   

I am a survivor of domestic abuse and these things send up red flags for me....not saying this is the case for you, but please remain strong and do what you need to do to be healthy....whether he supports the plan or not...it is not his choice.  You can do it!  Keeping you in my prayers,  Hugs, SisterC

Sorry to hear about your argument with the hubby.  I think too many of us have unsupportive family and friends, which is why this message board is such a blessing.  My husband will say things like, 'good job' and 'I'm very proud of you' but then ten minutes later he'll say... 'let's go to McDonalld's.'  I then give him the evil eye, and he says, 'oh yeah, your diet, I forgot.'  Sometimes I wonder if he really forgets, or if he is trying to sabotage my efforts.  He has teased that I'll have all the guys asking me out at work if I lose any more weight. It surprises me that he feels insecure at the thought of me losing weight.  I do what I can to reassure him, but I will NOT let him interfere with my diet.  I am almost 47 years old and this is the first time in my life that I am truly putting my needs first.  Our families are probably all a bit uncertain of how their lives may change if we succeed at our diets.  Rebekah, I dont know if thats the case with your husband, but you had a great first week and maybe he's just scared that you will be successful.  My Mom is actually my worst enemy when I diet. She is overweight herself, and I think she likes having me to be overweight with her! Crazy, huh? I understand how difficult this journey is with little support, but we have to learn to be our own number one cheerleader! YAY US!!  And YAY Rebekah!!  Keep up the good work and show your husband that this plan really can work!

Oh dear.  I'm sorry you had to start your week with negativity.  It's pretty much the last thing you need when you're trying to focus on making good choices.  There's absolutely no excuse for your significant other (or anyone else) to call you fat, no matter how mad he/she might be.  There's just no excuse for that. 

I'm no longer married (a good thing, believe me).  I went through the exact same thing that you're going through.  My ex-husband was a know-it-all (and I hate being told what to do, too) and very much an all-or-nothing kind of person.  If I shared with him that I was considering starting a weight loss program, he gave me the rundown on all of the reasons why it would never work and what I should do instead.  His suggestions were usually very male-oriented and way too strict for me to follow and still maintain my sanity (no cookies, EVER for the rest of my life, etc.).  I eventually got to the point where I stopped sharing my plans with him because I knew it would lead to a fight and I would regret sharing at all.  You definitely don't want to get to that point.

Here's what I wish I'd done back then: go to him when you're both in positive, open frames of mind and sit him down.  Explain to him very calmly (no matter what the reaction is) that you've made the following plan to better your health and life and that you'd appreciate his support and encouragement, but don't require it to succeed.  Answer any questions he may have and leave it at that.  You don't need permission or input from anyone except your doctor to start Slim Fast, or any other routine, for that matter.  I hope your husband can look beyond his own views on the plan and get to the point where he can allow you to make your own decisions without criticizing you.  It's not fair to you and only beats you down.  Not requiring his support to succeed will require you to strengthen your own inner cheerleader.  I've found that this website alone is a tremendous help on that score! 

I wish you luck.  Everyone is here to support you and cheer you on!  *hug*

I haven't been on the plan for too long, but I have been on and off diets for most of the almost 4 years that my husband and I have been together. Yesterday we got into a pretty nasty argument where he told me I won't lose weight doing what I'm doing. This is after a 4 lb loss my first week. Needless to say, it was ugly. He actually called me fat during a fight. :( I was pretty mad.

So my question has anyone had a clash because of dieting with their spouse or significant other? How did you resolve it? What have you done differently since then to make sure it doesn't happen again?

I know that we will butt heads again. He is a know-it-all and I hate being told what to do. It just really hurt my feelings that I have been so honest with him about where I am and how scared I am that I won't be able to stick with the program. I want to succeed and I have the strength on my own. I would like to not be knocked down by someone who is supposed to be my partner, though.

Hilary - if you read this: I almost wish I hadn't told him!!! :) Oh well. What's done is done and now it's time for me to have breakfast.

Thanks in advance for the insight!

Rebekah